Don't Wait Until the Last Minute for Pre-Marital Counseling

Wedding planning is hard, but marriage can be harder. Thanks to a program sponsored by the
Health and Human Services Commission, couples approaching marriage can build a solid
foundation and save the $60 marriage license fee as well.

The Twogether in Texas program offers premarital education to engaged couples across the state
through a network of providers. Couples who go through a class or couple's sessions can have their marriage license fee reduced by $60 and waive the 72-hour waiting period after they get their license.

"The premarital education that couples get in the Twogether in Texas program can set a strong
foundation for a marriage and give couples a better idea of the challenges they will face," said
Gordon Leeks, who oversees the program for HHSC.
"The idea behind Twogether in Texas is that couples take an eight- hour class or eight house of couple's session which covers conflict resolution, communication and other key aspects of marriage," Leeks said. "The goal is to increase the well-being of all Texas children by providing voluntary marriage and relationship education skills to their parents.”

Couples who complete a class or sessions get a certificate that they can take to their county clerk when they apply for their marriage license. The certificate is good for one year and serves as proof that the couple is eligible for the discounted marriage license fee.

And plan ahead. It could take up to 8 weeks to complete a course or sessions.

Program facts:
1. The marriage education classes and discount for a marriage license were authorized by
House Bill 2685 from the 2007 Texas legislative session.
2.29,000 people statewide completed the classes in FY 2014.
3. Researchers have found that couples who underwent counseling before their wedding had a 30% higher marital success rate than those who did not.


If you are interested in making your relationship stronger and would like to avoid the causes of divorce, call Carolyn C. Martin at 512-795-0402 at Mariposa Psychotherapy Services

I can now be found on Thumbtack.

I can now be found on Thumbtack.

Or you can reach me at 512-795-0402. Or go to my website

Ralationships First

Imagine better relationships, better lives and a better world. This is the goal of new group called Relationships First. The group is made up of a wide range of disciplines from psychologists to entertainers.

"Our vision is that all individuals will value healthy relationships and have access to the education and resources needed to build and maintain these relationships."

"Our mission is to empower individuals to learn healthy relationship skills by increasing the public’s awareness of the value and benefit of healthy relationships; providing easy access to the best science-based information and resources; and serving as a catalyst for a new healthy relationship movement."

What does it mean to put relationships first? Find out here.

If you are struggling with the relationships in your life, I can be reached at Mariposa Psychotherapy Services 512-795-0402. My office is at 5808 Balcones, Suite 101, Austin, Tx 78731

Austin-Cheating/Adultery/Affairs--Getting Caught

 Getting Caught Cheating

Because my specialization for the last 20 years has been cheating, I think I've heard possibly every story in the book. But when I received this joke from a friend of mine, I got to thinking maybe I haven't heard it all. One thing is for sure. Rarely do I have a couple come in saying the "cheater" had a guilty conscience and wanted to come clean. Usually the reason the affair comes to light is because the "cheater" got caught. And the ways they get caught can boggle the mind. Technology has made it very easy to catch the "cheater." But many times people are caught simply because they believe they can get away with cheating. And add to that the fact that people are just more savvy about cheating.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been invited to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing, for the long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend. And also, would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick-up my things. Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.”

 

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

 

Following the long weekend he returns home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, “ Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike. ” "But", he said, "why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas, like I asked you to do? ”

You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, "I did -- they're in your tackle box".

If you're dealing with an unfaithful partner, I can help. I can be reached at 512-795-0402. You can find me at my Mariposa Psychotherapy Services 

 A warning sign that a relationship is in trouble is when one or both people have lost their fondness and/or admiration for the partner.


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151830617725865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater

Weekends for Couples

I often hear from my couples that they fight more on the weekends than during the week. Try these tips from John Gottman, Ph.D.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151825525730865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater

Keeping the Romance in Your Marriage

A bit of wisdom from the master, John Gottman, Ph.D.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151658877035865&set=a.469547105864.241581.149200885864&type=1&theater


If you would like to learn how to use this concept heal or nurture your marriage, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website

How to Fall in Love AGAIN

I frequently have a couple come in and one or both of the individuals are concerned about the fact that they aren't "in love" anymore. Many people believe that this is a sign that the marriage is over. That couldn't be further from the true.

If you talk to happily, married couples who have been married over long periods of time, i.e. 20 or 30 years, they will tell you that the feeling of being in love comes and goes and if you put it on a graph, it would look a lot like a sign wave. That feeling of being in love can be influenced by many things such as stress, the need to hyper focus on something outside the marriage, illness etc.

When I explain this to most couples, they often say they miss that feeling of being in love. Of course, you can only experience that initial feeling of being in love once, because one of the contributing factors to that state is the newness of the relationship. It's a time of heightened awareness and discovery. But you can experience something closely related and something that feels even better than the "high" because it includes the comfort of knowing and trusting your partner. The "high" isn't quite as high, but the feeling of "love" is much more loving.

So the next question from most couples to me is usually is, how do you fall in love again? The "in love" feeling occurs at any time because there is a very focused attention on another person in which you ignore or minimize their flaws. Judgement of the person is suspended and 3 things occur.

1. You're working hard to try to know and understand your partner. You have a deep curiosity about your partner, who they are and what they are all about.

2. You're looking for reasons to like and admire your partner and are giving them feedback about what you see.

3. You are making efforts to engage and connect with your partner.

Here are a few of the things you might do to recapture the feeling of being in love.

1. Unexpectedly, call your partner and tell them you love them and are thinking about them and/or tell them some of the reasons you appreciate them.
2.  Look at your partner as if it was the first time you ever saw them and/or as if it was the last time you will ever see them.
3.  Reminisce about a special time the two of you had together.
4.  Surprise your partner--leave an "I love you" note in an unexpected place--anything that is unexpected and is just for their enjoyment.
5.  Do some of the things you did to woo your partner when you first met.
6.  People who are in love are playful and usually become great playmates. Bring that back to your relationship if it has disappeared.

Falling in love again doesn't take big, extravagant gestures, like running off to Paris. It's the small things that we can do often that bring back those feelings.

If you and your partner need help with your relationship, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website.




 

Building Trust in a Relationship

Six Major Deposits that Build the Emotional Bank Account
(How to Build Trust in a Relationship)

1. Work on understanding the other person.
   • What is important to the other person must be as important to you as the other person is to you.
   • True understanding of others requires that you listen for understanding not in order to respond.
2. Attend to the little things.
   • Little kindnesses and courtesies as well as little discourtesies and unkindnesses are important.
   • In relationships, the little things are the big things.
3. Keeping commitments
   • Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal.
   • Being unwilling to make any commitments is as much a withdrawal as making them and not keeping them.
4. Clarifying expectations
   • The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.
   • You make deposits when you make expectations clear and explicit in the beginning.
5. Showing personal integrity
   • Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth — in other words, conforming our words to reality.
   • Integrity is conforming reality to our words — in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
6. Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal
   • Sincere apologies make deposits.
   • Repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.

Excerpted from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Is Being Right Good for Your Relationship?

Why Being Right Can be Wrong for A Relationship

http://www.psychologytoday.com/b...

3 Ways to Build Stronger, Happier Relationships in Life

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Wedding Bell Blues

In 1969 The Fifth Dimension sang this song with Marilyn McCoo asking, "Bill, when are you going to marry me?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkMhWQgkZ8c

Frequently in my pre-engagement counseling with couples this is the issue. One person wants a commitment and the other is ambivalent or afraid to commit. Endless books have been written on the issue of "fear of commitment." But here's my take on what usually is happening.

In processing with couples, inevitably, the partner who is ready to commit will eventually find themselves asking their partner, subtly or blatantly, "Am I not good enough for you?" Often, that's not the issue. Too often it is the non-committing partner who doesn't feel good enough, worthy, or confident that they can be a good partner in marriage.

As I work with these couples, there is this magic moment when the non-committing partner gets it that their is a skill set for making a marriage work and that learning that skill set is achievable. I call this a magic moment because I witness the light bulb going off in the partner's head and hope spreading across their face.

I believe the non-committing partner is the canary in the coal mine. Marriage is scary. Deciding to stay together forever is daunting. It's natural to be fearful. The partner ready to commit often is overly confident, hoping their positive attitude and optimism will rub off on the non-committing partner. But relationships are always trying to stay in balance. One partner goes to an extreme and to keep things on a even keel, the other partner will go to the other extreme.

This balancing act is an amazing thing to watch in therapy. As the non-committing partner begins to move toward the middle and be more confident about getting married, the partner ready to commit begins to move to the middle and experience their own fears about getting married. At this point, the power struggle is over and the couple can finally start working together to plan a future together.

If this scenario sounds to familiar and you would like to work together as couple to figure out your future, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website for more information.

Why Did They Cheat?: Making Sense of An Affair

Inevitability, everytime I work with a couple who's marriage is in crisis due of infidelity, this question comes up. The most common answers of the betrayer is either, "I don't know," or some form of blaming their partner. It's an important question, but it's rarely easy to get to the answer. The betrayed partner has a high need to understand how the affair happened and often has a hard time articulating why it is so important to understand how their partner took the path of cheating.

The question is an important one. The answer informs the steps needed to keep it from happening again. In order for a betrayed partner to rebuild trust, they need for the betraying partner to learn how to "affair-proof" their relationship. Let's use Jack and Jill, two of my clients, as an example. Jack gives one reason for the cheating, "I was traveling and got lonely." My question, "There are a lot of ways, good and bad, of dealing with loneliness. Why that path?" Jack says, "When I travel to Asia, it feels like I'm completely disconnected from the rest of my life. It feels like I have two completely separate lives." At this point, I begin helping the couple problem solve ways of staying connected when the two are on the opposite sides of the world.

Jack might have given a different answer, "Jill never wants to spend time with me. She's too busy with the kids." It would be important for both Jack and Jill to understand that it is never the betrayed partner's fault that the cheating occurred. No matter what the circumstances, Jack, consciously or unconsciously, made the decision to cheat and took the actions. Jill may have some responsibility for Jack's unhappiness in the marriage, and it is important for her to acknowledge her part in his dissatisfaction of the marriage, but Jill has no responsibility for the choices Jack made.

Rarely is there just one contributing factor to infidelity. And many times it is the perfect storm of many elements, each of which needs to be examined and new strategies and habits formed in order to protect the relationship from future betrayal.

If your relationship/marriage is suffering from the immediate or lingering effects of cheating, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or visit my website for more information about infidelity, affair, and cheating

Four Advanced Skills for Relationship Communication

In Dr. John Gottman's research, he found that happy, stable couples do the following 4 things in order to keep conflicts from escalating and to have clear communication.

1. They used a "softened start up." The first 3 minutes of a conflict will determine how well the discussion will proceed. If problems are raised with criticism, the discussion tends to every quickly go downhill and relationship satisfaction decreases.

2. Accept influence: understand your partner's way of thinking. In every conflict there are two points of view and two realities. Both realities are right. Hold your views while hearing, accepting and acknowledging your partner's view. Get out of the mindset of who's right and who's wrong.

3. Repair blunders. In the heat of a conflict emotions can escalate. Work toward being respectful of your partner and his/her views, but if you make a blunder, clean up your mess.

4. Compromise. Work just as hard at helping your partner get their needs met in a conflict as you do at getting your needs met.

If you believe you and your partner could use some work in the area of conflict management, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website www.mariposapsychtherapy.com

We're Moving

Beginning 1/31/11 Mariposa Psychotherapy Services and Carolyn C. Martin, M.S., L.P.C., L.M.F.T. will be moving to a new wonderful office. The new address will be 5808 Balcones Dr. Suite 101, Austin, Texas, 78731.

The new office will be larger and therefore we will be able to expand our services. As the new office evolves, I will be posting updates.

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Infidelity/Cheating--5 Steps to Recovery

John Gottman's most recent research has been in the area of building trust after a marriage partner has been unfaithful. In his research he has found that there are 5 things that the unfaithful partner does that significantly heals the relationship. These are the steps.

The partner who has cheated:

1. Must have believable & genuine remorse
2. Must have acquired new behaviors based on “why they cheated.”
3. Must compensate their partner—what’s important to their partner becomes important to them
4. Must build a new relationship with their partner that includes honesty, transparency, and cherishing
5. Must be able to attune to their partner’s negative emotions—awareness, turning towards, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive responses, empathy
   

If you and your partner are struggling with the difficult task of mending your relationship after one of you has been unfaithful, I can help you work through these steps.
You can reach me at 512-795-0402. Located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, Austin, Texas 78759

We All Need Validation

This little movie will be the best 16 minutes of your day. It will make you smile and remind you of your internal compass that says, "We all need validation." The movie is my gift to you today, so give it away to someone you would like to see smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao


If you're having trouble smiling these days because of depression, anxiety, stress, or relationship problems, you can find me at Mariposa Psychotherapy. You reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Increasing Intimacy Principles

1. Show affection when ending a day's events--i.e. kiss when leaving for work, hug before going to sleep.

2. Provide your mate w/love and acceptance by at least once a day really listening to their stories & life view.

3. Shake up the relationship. Boredom fuels conflict. Take your mate on an unusual, out of the ordinary date.

4. Look for small things that are going right, what your partner is doing right, and give positive feedback.

5. Greet your mate w/affection upon waking and when returning from work.

If you would like to increase the intimacy in your relationship, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, Austin, Texas, 78759

Austin Marriage Counseling--Marriage & Money

An important thing for premarital couples to talk about in terms of money is whether they will combine their money after marriage or keep it separate. After seeing couples for over 20 years for pre-engagement, premarital, marriage and post-divorce counseling, I find that unless there are extenuating circumstances, couples who don't "marry," i.e., combine, their money lack a feeling of "being married."

Also, if you don't trust your mate with your money, is it wise to marry that person? Money, sex, and children are the top 3 things couples argue about. Do you trust the person you're marrying with your money, your body and your future children?

And if the couple live in a community property sate like Texas, where I practice, and they divorce without having a prenup, the money will be split 50/50 in most cases. So, keeping it set aside in two different accounts doesn't protect their money from their spouse.

In addition, keeping money separate somehow leads people to believe they have more money than they really do. That's like breaking a cookie in several pieces and saying, "Now I have more cookie."

If money is an issue with you and your future or present spouse, counseling can help. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759.
My website is http://www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/