Happiness--Where Are You?

In my practice I always ask my clients to write goals for what they would like to accomplish. Sometimes my clients have a hard time being specific about their goals and say, "I just want to be happy again."

Initially in working with these clients, they say that "if __________, would change" they would be happy. In other words, if they got what they wanted, then they could be happy.

As I work with these clients, they come to learn that getting what you want doesn't necessary bring happiness and that happiness is a complex subject. There are many theories of what makes us happy. So, I have an exercise I do with these clients to get to the "the juicy" stuff that actually can move them closer to happiness.

When you're pondering your own happiness, identify what it is you think would make you happy and then ask yourself, what about this "thing" would make me happy. So let's say you think having a new Lexus would make you happy. What about having a Lexus would make you happy? "Well, then I would have a beautiful, new car." Then ask the question again. What about having a beautiful, new car would make you happy? "Well, I'm really tired of driving around a piece of junk that breaks down all the time, looks awful and isn't dependable." Then ask the question again. What about having a car that isn't junky, doesn't break down and is dependable would make you happy? "I could stop worrying about whether I was going to be stranded somewhere and stop worrying that my friends, family and coworker think I'm financially irresponsible."

Now we have something to work with. A Lexus for you represents feeling secure and finacially responsible. This is what you are needing. Now we can find ways of getting those needs met without going out and buying the Lexus, which you can't afford.

However, even getting those needs met may not spell happiness. More often it just eliminates unhappiness.

The Dalai Lama has said, "I believe that satisfaction, joy and happiness are the ultimate purposes of life. And the basic sources of happiness are a good heart, compassion, and love."

I have found that the farther away my clients move from having a good heart, compassion for others, and truly loving significant others in their lives, the more unhappy they become.

If you're unhappiness, which often is described as depression, is concerning you, we can work on rediscovering your purpose, living a life of "satisfaction, joy and happiness." You can reach me at 512-795-0402 or on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Intimacy--Feeling Close and Connected

A frequent complaint I hear in couples counseling is, "We don't feel close anymore. We just feel like roommates." Often this means there is a lack of intimacy, not necessary sexually, but more often emotional intimacy is missing. If you could observe, like a fly on the wall, the lives of couples who report they feel close and connected you would find that they engage in certain things that create intimacy.


General Principles of Intimacy

1. People who are intimate spend time together.
2. People who are intimate talk about vulnerable feelings, hopes, and dreams.
3. People who are intimate touch each other a fair amount.
4 Men and women often have different ideas about creates intimacy.
5. People who are intimate do thoughtful actions for each other — “grants” of daily loving behavior.
6. People who continue to stay intimate over the years have learned to be very specific about what they want and need from their partner.
7. Intimacy can only occur in an atmosphere of trust.

If you don't feel close and connected to your partner, an intimacy issue may be getting in the way. If you would like more information about how to work on these issues, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Austin Marriage Counseling

How's YOUR marriage?

Let’s try a few simple True/False questions and see how versed you are in relationship or marital satisfaction:

In happy stable relationship/marriages, couples work hard at avoiding conflict.

The second highest predictor for ending of a relationship/divorce is affairs.

Complaining in a relationship/marriage is bad for the relationship/marriage.

Couples need to learn to have a high tolerance for negativity once they committ to each other or marry.

A happy, stable relationship/marriage is characterized by both partners working hard at maintaining the feelings of being in love.

The highest predictor for the end of a relationship/divorce is unresolved conflict.

How did you do? Did you guess that most of these are True? Guess again. Every one of them is false.

If you would like to learn what it takes to stay married forever, call me at 512-795-0402 and go to marriage counseling on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

I'm 60.

What a fantastic birthday. Kauai was beautiful, fragrant, calming, refreshing and because of the 100% humidity and no heat, I looked 50 not 60. It was much worse "going to be 60" than being 60.

I wouldn't exactly say I held my breath all year, but there was some relief having "the birth day" behind me. And the alternative to not "turning 60" is not desirable to me.

I saw Benjamin Button yesterday and the idea of going backwards in the aging process seemed very appealing. But as my husband said, "Going forwards or backwards, it all ends the same."

I'm Flyin' Now

I did it! I know. I said I'd wait until the day after Thanksgiving, but last Wednesday American Airlines put their flights from Austin to Kauai on sale---60% off the regular price. I was stunned and thrilled. I booked through AMEX where I had a $1000 worth of rewards points. Then the topper was that because I had trouble booking online and called AMEX, they gave me $800 off of the the price of the the trip. Aah, waiting until last minute can pay off sometimes. That's hard for a planner like me to admit.

So, we leave 12/29 and come back 1/5. On the 30th, my 60th birthday, we'll be flying all around Kauai in a small plane. Then on New Year's Eve we're going to a luau and then to the beach to watch the fireworks over the water. We've rented a convertible to get around on the island. The hotel is located on the beach and was surprisingly inexpensive. I can't believe after 10 months of waiting I finally know what I'm doing on my 60th birthday.

But what about the profound change I was hoping for during this year? Has it happened? Surprisingly, yes, I believe it has. Not because of anything I have done. It's happened because Barak Obama is now going to be president. The profound change is in me because he won? I have hope again. I realized at the moment the news splashed across my tv screen that for the last 8 years I have been in a funk, a gray haze with not the slightest glimpse of light leading into the future. I've felt a profound sadness deep inside that America had passed its glory days and the future was all downhill from now on. But Obama's unwavering belief that things can be better and that everyone can be part of making it better, his belief that "we can do it," truly gives me hope. Everyday since the election I've gotten up feeling lighter.

I know, not everyone agrees with me on this issue and some may even feel that funk because Obama won. But I have faith that if people just give him a chance, he will lift our spirits and take our country to place of respect in the world again. I believe he has "the right stuff" and will be a great leader.

Winston Chuchill said, "Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it." I believe we'll all be "drinking champagne" in the next 4 years.

Planning vs. Winging It

In an effort to do some preparing for my birthday celebration, I now have 3 more places to add to my list of backup plans: Ruidoso, New Mexico; Las Vegas, Nevada; and Santa Barbara, California, and, of course, Paris was already on the list. But I still haven't given up on Kauai, Hawaii and Costa Rica.

My husband keeps asking me when I'm going to make a decision. Odd! He's the spontaneous one. I've decided I'm going to "maybe" make a decision on Nov. 27th, Thanksgiving Day.

Why is that some of the most special moments in life, are completely unplanned and are just stubbled upon? And could some inventor out there come up with a way to bottle those moments. Pictures, if taken at those times, can help. But what about the moments we can't photograph? And could this inventor also figure out how to share those moments fully with people who weren't there?

Oh!, "head slap," Serendipity (An unsought, unintended, or unexpected discovery, made by accident and sagacity; The discovery of something by accident while investigating something quite different)and ephemeral (things that are transitory, existing only briefly)are the very essense of and is what makes these moments special. I guess if we could truly capture these moments in all their entirety, they would lose their specialness.

Being fully awake and present prepares us to fully appreciate special moments when they come around. Carolyn C. Martin

My Evolving 60th Year

It's been an interesting last few days with the economic crisis. How I will be celebrating my 60th birthday will be effected. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I haven't planned anything yet. What life-changing experience will I go through because things may shift so dramatically in the coming months?

I believe no matter what may come, I will grow from it. I believe we all will learn and grow a great deal from the coming months.

There is an element of opportunity in every crisis.
Carolyn C. Martin