Why Did They Cheat?: Making Sense of An Affair

Inevitability, everytime I work with a couple who's marriage is in crisis due of infidelity, this question comes up. The most common answers of the betrayer is either, "I don't know," or some form of blaming their partner. It's an important question, but it's rarely easy to get to the answer. The betrayed partner has a high need to understand how the affair happened and often has a hard time articulating why it is so important to understand how their partner took the path of cheating.

The question is an important one. The answer informs the steps needed to keep it from happening again. In order for a betrayed partner to rebuild trust, they need for the betraying partner to learn how to "affair-proof" their relationship. Let's use Jack and Jill, two of my clients, as an example. Jack gives one reason for the cheating, "I was traveling and got lonely." My question, "There are a lot of ways, good and bad, of dealing with loneliness. Why that path?" Jack says, "When I travel to Asia, it feels like I'm completely disconnected from the rest of my life. It feels like I have two completely separate lives." At this point, I begin helping the couple problem solve ways of staying connected when the two are on the opposite sides of the world.

Jack might have given a different answer, "Jill never wants to spend time with me. She's too busy with the kids." It would be important for both Jack and Jill to understand that it is never the betrayed partner's fault that the cheating occurred. No matter what the circumstances, Jack, consciously or unconsciously, made the decision to cheat and took the actions. Jill may have some responsibility for Jack's unhappiness in the marriage, and it is important for her to acknowledge her part in his dissatisfaction of the marriage, but Jill has no responsibility for the choices Jack made.

Rarely is there just one contributing factor to infidelity. And many times it is the perfect storm of many elements, each of which needs to be examined and new strategies and habits formed in order to protect the relationship from future betrayal.

If your relationship/marriage is suffering from the immediate or lingering effects of cheating, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or visit my website for more information about infidelity, affair, and cheating

9 Stress Myths, Busted

Today's Huffington Post gives us new insights into the most resent research in the area of stress. Understanding these 9 ideas can signicantly help you identify ways of managing your stress more effectively.

If stress is a problem in your life, working with a therapist can help. You can reach Carolyn C. Martin at 512-795-0402 or go to Mariposa Psychotherapy Services for more information.

Four Advanced Skills for Relationship Communication

In Dr. John Gottman's research, he found that happy, stable couples do the following 4 things in order to keep conflicts from escalating and to have clear communication.

1. They used a "softened start up." The first 3 minutes of a conflict will determine how well the discussion will proceed. If problems are raised with criticism, the discussion tends to every quickly go downhill and relationship satisfaction decreases.

2. Accept influence: understand your partner's way of thinking. In every conflict there are two points of view and two realities. Both realities are right. Hold your views while hearing, accepting and acknowledging your partner's view. Get out of the mindset of who's right and who's wrong.

3. Repair blunders. In the heat of a conflict emotions can escalate. Work toward being respectful of your partner and his/her views, but if you make a blunder, clean up your mess.

4. Compromise. Work just as hard at helping your partner get their needs met in a conflict as you do at getting your needs met.

If you believe you and your partner could use some work in the area of conflict management, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website www.mariposapsychtherapy.com

Austin--Depression, Anxiety & Anger IPhone Apps

Having trouble dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or anger? ICounselor for your IPhone can help.

These apps were written by a licensed psychotherapist with 25 years of counseling experience.

They have simple directions:

1. Rate the level of your emotion on a color coded scale of 0 to 10.

2. Select one of ten different calming activities to perform.

3. Select 1 of 10 ways to change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts in order to change your feelings is the basis of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy, the most widely practiced evidence based form of psychotherapy.

4. Select one type of solution for the problem that triggered your anger

The content of these apps are for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional counseling or medical advice.

Check these apps out

If you're needing help with depression, anxiety or anger, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Austin, Texas, 78731

Austin Marriage Counseling--John Gottman on Relationship Repair that Works

Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

This is a wonderfully wise article.


Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

We're Moving

Beginning 1/31/11 Mariposa Psychotherapy Services and Carolyn C. Martin, M.S., L.P.C., L.M.F.T. will be moving to a new wonderful office. The new address will be 5808 Balcones Dr. Suite 101, Austin, Texas, 78731.

The new office will be larger and therefore we will be able to expand our services. As the new office evolves, I will be posting updates.