An Austin Counselor and Austin Marriage Counselor's Journal

Austin--Depression, Anxiety & Anger IPhone Apps

2011-02-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Having trouble dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or anger? ICounselor for your IPhone can help.

These apps were written by a licensed psychotherapist with 25 years of counseling experience.

They have simple directions:

1. Rate the level of your emotion on a color coded scale of 0 to 10.

2. Select one of ten different calming activities to perform.

3. Select 1 of 10 ways to change your thoughts. Changing your thoughts in order to change your feelings is the basis of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy, the most widely practiced evidence based form of psychotherapy.

4. Select one type of solution for the problem that triggered your anger

The content of these apps are for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional counseling or medical advice.

Check these apps out

If you're needing help with depression, anxiety or anger, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 5808 Balcones Dr., Austin, Texas, 78731

Austin Marriage Counseling--John Gottman on Relationship Repair that Works

2011-02-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

2011-01-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

This is a wonderfully wise article.

Compassion and the Individual | The Office of His Holiness The Dalai Lama

We're Moving

2011-01-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

Beginning 1/31/11 Mariposa Psychotherapy Services and Carolyn C. Martin, M.S., L.P.C., L.M.F.T. will be moving to a new wonderful office. The new address will be 5808 Balcones Dr. Suite 101, Austin, Texas, 78731.

The new office will be larger and therefore we will be able to expand our services. As the new office evolves, I will be posting updates.

The Power of Compassion

2011-01-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

This is just a wonderful article on compassion and happiness

ADHD: Could It Be Ruining Your Marriage?

2011-01-01T13:17:00.001-08:00

1 2 3 next >> Are you or your spouse constantly distracted or forgetful? Do either...

A Must See

2010-07-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

If you've never experienced Sean Stephenson, here's an opportunity to learn so much about living life to the fullest, having a happy and fulfilling life and giving back to the world.

2010-07-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

The Top 3 Myths about Parenting and Marriage

Infidelity/Cheating--5 Steps to Recovery

2010-06-28T16:08:00.001-07:00

John Gottman's most recent research has been in the area of building trust after a marriage partner has been unfaithful. In his research he has found that there are 5 things that the unfaithful partner does that significantly heals the relationship. These are the steps.

The partner who has cheated:

Must have believable & genuine remorse
Must have acquired new behaviors based on “why they cheated.”
Must compensate their partner—what’s important to their partner becomes important to them
Must build a new relationship with their partner that includes honesty, transparency, and cherishing
Must be able to attune to their partner’s negative emotions—awareness, turning towards, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive responses, empathy

If you and your partner are struggling with the difficult task of mending your relationship after one of you has been unfaithful, I can help you work through these steps.
You can reach me at 512-795-0402. Located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, Austin, Texas 78759

2010-06-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Here's a great post from Mike Reining.

* Aim for a 1% improvement every single day

That's it! I think all of us could agree that a 1% improvement is something we are capable of.

Well, the power of this is that if you do this every single day, then you will completely transform yourself and your life in less than 1 year.

In fact, if you will be 3,700 times better by the end of this year. This is also why Einstein used to say that "the power of compounding is one of the most powerful forces in the world."

Now, please don't take this example literally. Why?
Because a 3,700 % improvement is impossible! If I could do that, perhaps I could fly. :-) The key idea that I am trying to communicate is this:

* Aim to be better today than you were yesterday

I think gratitude is one of these laws that helps you easily and effortlessly achieve that goal. I think that by being grateful, you are instantly 1% better off every single day than if you forget to express gratitude and the effect after one year will be just as massive.

So, if you have not yet taken a chance to be grateful today, do so now.

http://www.GratitudeLog.com

SuperStess

2010-02-14T14:12:00.000-08:00

According to Roberta Lee, M.D., "Stress is a word that most of us toss off lightly, a word we use to describe our emotional response to any number of emergencies, demands, deadlines, or pressures. But technically, stress is both a psychological and physical response. Along with the new millennium, we have a new kind of stress: SuperStress. It is the result of our over-stimulated, over-extended modern lifestyle. The diagnosis of SuperStress describes a physical and emotional state that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder."

"The diagnosis of SuperStress describes a physical and emotional state that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder. SuperStress leaves you feeling unable to catch up or get a handle on things; it saps you of your sense of humor and perspective about what's important in life. Duration and regularity of stress become silent killers. In the larger context of health, study after study has shown the link between chronic stress and the worsening of many medical conditions such as coronary artery disease, diabetes, gastrointestinal issues, obesity, high blood pressure, asthma, autoimmune and inflammatory diseases and cancer."

"The reason we find ourselves in this new and unwanted predicament is tragically simple: for most people, life today means less sleep, less leisure, and less exercise than ever before. It means more junk food, more caffeine and more work. Our 24/7 news cycle shouts at us from every screen, keeping us on edge with haunting images of war abroad, terror at home, and threats to our finances and health around every corner. Is it any wonder anxious is the new normal? You might not think of any of these issues as specific stresses, but our bodies perceive each of these things as "emergencies" and the automatic, physical response is the result each time. Because we don't give our bodies time to reset to a default state of relaxation in between perceived crises, stress hormones build up in the body and, in essence, keep the body switched to "high alert," diverting energy and nourishment away from healthy system maintenance like proper digestion and nutrient absorption, hormone balance, and energy management. The result is a cluster of dangerous symptoms: immune deficiencies, high blood pressure, chronic headaches, weight gain, digestive distress, insomnia, and a wide range of other ailments."

"In addition, SuperStress can cause or exacerbate insomnia, it promotes hair-trigger emotions, and creates a numbing effect: we often mistakenly identify ourselves as "being in control" and able rest at will. Too many of us actually believe that we are more productive or more efficient under stress. Nothing could be further from the truth. With the illusion of health, the insidious biological cycle continues."

"I regularly see patients in my medical practice who are plagued with vaguely troubling symptoms like anxiety, foggy brain, and emotional sensitivity as well as more specifically menacing symptoms like substance abuse, sleep disorders, rage, and withdrawal from life. Many come in bewildered by what they are experiencing-- everything from strange digestive, allergic, respiratory, sexual, and skin problems to autoimmune dysfunction and heart disease. While some patients do understand what's happening enough to complain, "I'm so stressed out!" the great majority has no idea that stress is playing a significant or catalyzing role in their afflictions. All they know is that they've slipped over an edge, that they've caught something that won't go away. That something is SuperStress."

"Of course, you won't always be able to control the duration and regularity of stress in your life. Yet another deadline at work will surely get piled on top of the project you broke your back to finish on time; you may still have more bills to pay than money to pay them; you can't control family emergencies."

"The good news, however, is that you can control your own response to stress. Understanding that your body and mind need recovery time between perceived emergencies - small oases of physical and emotional calm to break the cycle of the physical stress response- you can begin to pace yourself differently and protect your health by building that kind of calm into your otherwise frenetic day. Deep cleansing breaths are an essential component of training your nervous system to reset to a state of calm in between storms. Short walks around the block and pockets of time in which you commit to being email or news- free can help short-circuit your body's non-stop reaction to the "noise" in your life. Eating fewer processed and fatty foods will tax your digestive system less, leaving you more resources to fend off stress; better "fuel" will yield healthier results."

"The first step toward freeing yourself from SuperStress syndrome is to understand the toll stress takes on you personally. Get started by filling out the following questionnaire. It won't take much time at all, but will help you better understand what you're experiencing, and determine your individual level and type of SuperStress so that you can personalize your management plans. Once you are aware of the ways in which stress affects you and you begin to follow the steps of my solution, you'll notice that the inevitable stress in your life will affect you less both physically and emotionally. With self-awareness comes stress resilience. In other words, the goal isn't to hope stress will go away (it won't!). Rather my SuperStress Solution is a plan that is designed to help you live more healthfully in a world in which stress doesn't just go away."

Respond to each question, using the following 4-point scale:
0 = Never
1 = Rarely
2 = Sometimes
3 = Often

1. How often do you feel like you are getting sick? ____
2. How often are you eating on the run (at your desk working, while driving or walking)? ____
3. How often during meals and meetings do you respond to emails/text messages on your PDA or cell phone? ____
4. How often do you skip meals because you are too busy to eat? ____
5. How often do you feel that watching TV is the most relaxing activity you do? ____
6. How often are you forgetful? ____
7. How often do you feel tired during the day? ____
8. How often do you feel that your life is out of control? ____
9. How often do you have trouble focusing? ____
10. How often do you lie awake at night ruminating? ____
11. How often do you have a difficult time sitting still? ____
12. How many times do you feel exhausted and can't seem to recover -- no matter how much rest you get? ____
13. How many times do you find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over and feeling increasingly frustrated that you just "don't get it"? ____
14. How often do feel like you are close to tears or sensitive to the criticism of others? ____
15. How often do you try to do everything yourself? ____
16. How often do you feel you are fighting a losing battle trying to keep up with your kids' sports schedule, French lessons, dental appointments and homework or your own work deadlines?____
17. How often do you have two or more major problems that you can't seem to resolve? ____
18. How often do you feel as if your stomach is tied up in knots? ____
19. How often are you canceling social engagements or family outings to finish a work project? ____
20. How often do you find yourself angry and annoyed with others-including those at home? ____

THE RESULTS
Are you stressed?
Tally your answers to all 20 questions.
Based on your total, see how you fall into the following categories:

Not stressed: 4 or less
Somewhat stressed: 5-8
Stressed: 9-12
SuperStressed: 12+

What stress type are you?
In my clinical practice, I generally see five SuperStress personality types, each identifiable by the way you behave and respond to stress and by the physical symptoms you may be experiencing. Many of you, however, may see that your behavior corresponds to more than one type.

For each category below, tally your answers for the listed questions and note the one with the highest total. That is your stress type. In the case of a tie, your behavior may correspond to both stress types.

Probably Not your type: 0
Could be your type: 1- 2
Probably your type: 3-4

Total for questions 12 and 16 ___Type I
Total for questions 13 and 17 ___Type II
Total for questions 14 and 18 ___Type III
Total for questions 15 and 19 ___Type IV
Total for questions 11 and 20 ___Type V

Type I: Burned Out, Exhausted, Numb, Depressed
This SuperStress type is often categorized by the sense that you are fighting a losing battle trying to keep up with an ever-growing to-do list: your kids' needs, your own job, and so much more. You are likely experiencing extreme fatigue when you get up in the morning and repeatedly throughout the day. You've reached the point where stress has been present for so long that you can no longer mount much of a reaction and you have started to "check out" emotionally. Take heart: eating right will go an especially long way toward helping to moderate type I SuperStress. High-antioxidant, whey-based, breakfast shakes should become part of your diet, as should at least an ounce of chocolate every day!

Type II: Agitated, Can't Concentrate, Overwhelmed by Life
Type IIs often report that they have days when their agitation is so great that they're distracted by their own restlessness; sleep no longer comes easily. If this describes you, for starters - and long-term - you'll want to consume a diet that works against inflammation and you will also want to start taking several specific supplements to support good sleep. Also, try this: drink five cups of tea a day - either green tea or chamomile tea, sweetened with honey if you choose - spaced out over the course of the day and evening.

Type III: Emotionally sensitive
If your questionnaire score suggests you're a Type III then you have likely lost your sense of humor and are sometimes weepy or melancholy, despite your best efforts to be your old self. Every little stressor hits at your digestion: you are often bloated, gassy, and crampy. You will do well to stay with small amounts of low-fat animal protein and seafood and lots of greens and ripe fruits. Increase your turkey consumption. Walk 20 minutes a day to help regulate your nervous system.

Type IV: Driven, Controlling
The Type IV SuperStress personality is a first rate goal-setter and goal-achiever and that's admirable. But the flip side is that over-attention to detail and micromanagement have become the only way you can handle situations that feel out of control. If you're one who approaches your life in this manner, I'm willing to bet you have symptoms that reflect this tension, such as constipation, neck pain, back pain, and stomach problems. You need to stick to a Mediterranean style eating plan and you should likely start on a probiotic supplement. "Burn off steam" through exercise - a half hour a day if you can find the time, and make time for family and friends again regularly - this will trigger the release of oxytocin, the "feel good" hormone.

Type V: Explosive, Can't Slow Down
This type describes you if you use every means possible to keep things going at an ultrafast pace, living on caffeine and sugar-laden foods. You probably have little tolerance for mistakes and have been known to overreact or explode when mistakes are made (yours or someone else's). If so, there are steps toward tranquility that you can begin to take right now. You're going to need to wean yourself off so much caffeine (but don't go cold turkey; follow my progressive one-less-cup-a-day plan) and begin to choose foods with natural sweeteners instead of sugar. To stabilize moodiness and support relaxation, take magnesium glycinate. As for exercise, for Type Vs, what's more important than the amount of time you spend at any activity, is that you do something every day.

By helping you identify your level and type of stress, my book, The SuperStress Solution, will provide personalized strategies for managing it. The book contains a more extensive version of the questionnaire you just completed, which will enable you to get even more tailored results. In addition, you might want to take the typing portion of the questionnaire online so you can easily tally your results and jump right into the 4-week SuperStress Solution program.

Take the longer quiz online at SuperStressSolution.com.

If you're experiencing SuperStress, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

We All Need Validation

2009-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

This little movie will be the best 16 minutes of your day. It will make you smile and remind you of your internal compass that says, "We all need validation." The movie is my gift to you today, so give it away to someone you would like to see smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao

If you're having trouble smiling these days because of depression, anxiety, stress, or relationship problems, you can find me at Mariposa Psychotherapy. You reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Increasing Intimacy Principles

2009-10-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

1. Show affection when ending a day's events--i.e. kiss when leaving for work, hug before going to sleep.

2. Provide your mate w/love and acceptance by at least once a day really listening to their stories & life view.

3. Shake up the relationship. Boredom fuels conflict. Take your mate on an unusual, out of the ordinary date.

4. Look for small things that are going right, what your partner is doing right, and give positive feedback.

5. Greet your mate w/affection upon waking and when returning from work.

If you would like to increase the intimacy in your relationship, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, Austin, Texas, 78759

Is Your Work Draining Your Psychic Battery?

2009-08-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

We spend most of our days doing some kind of work, paid or unpaid, it's still work. Are you doing the best work and are you doing the best at your work? Is your work draining you?

Would like your work to energize and motivate you to do great things? Here's a little movie that might help. http://www.greatworkmovie.com/

If your work has become a burden, we can find a new path. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. You can find more about me at Mariposa Psychotherapy. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, TX 78759

Fun Can Change Your Life

2009-08-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

Fun is the child-like experience we have when we're in the moment, not thinking about the past or the future, and experiencing joy. Do you look for ways to have fun? Do you make it a goal to have fun?

When you experience fun, you re-create yourself. That's why it's called recreation. Like a battery that loses it's charge, all the seriousness of life depletes our inner resources. Our psychic battery is drained and needs to be recharged from time to time.

Here's a great little movie about how to let fun change your life.

http://www.eightprinciples.com/

If your life has drained your battery leaving you emotionally depleted and stuck, we can work on it. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. You can find me on my website Mariposa Psychotherapy. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Tx 78759

Are You The Best Version of Yourself?

2009-08-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

Here's 5.75 questions you need to ask yourself.

http://www.fivebigquestions.com/

If you've always wanted to make changes but can't seem to meet that goal, we can work on it. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. You can find me at the Mariposa Psychotherapy website. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Tx 78759

Smile & Move

2009-07-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

I love this little movie. So inspiring.

Faulty Thinking

2009-07-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

Frequently in my practice, I find that clients come in thinking that something is terribly wrong with them because they are suffering emotionally. There is an unspoken message as they tell me about their suffering. "If I just did all the right things and lived my life the just right way, I would never suffer." For them, suffering is an oddity. And of course, it's hard for them to hear me say that happiness is the exception, not the rule.

Suffering is inevitable. Being human guarantees us an annual trip around the sun and suffering to some degree or another. It is atypical for people to find peace of mind, aka happiness. Think about it. How many people do you know who don't experience periods where they struggle with psychological pain from work, relationships, deaths of loved ones, etc.? We ALL put on our best face, for various reasons, and head out each day and try to do the best we can. And under that face from time to time, we're unhappy. And the very strange thing about this fact is that because we have "the advanced brain," we are the only creatures on the face of this planet that experience this kind of pain. Being about to think sure get us in trouble sometimes.

Often emotional pain holds us back from living the kind of life we have dreamed of living. The struggle with our pain becomes our focus. We find all kinds of ways to avoid accepting that we are in pain and all kinds of ways to avoid experiencing the pain. And what's even worse is that we construct our self identity around this pain. Clients say,"I'm depressed," not as if those are just words, but as if being depressed is who they are as people. They could be saying, "I'm having a difficult time right now. I'm a hard worker, but what I'm doing right now to feel better just isn't working." Bravo, you're half way there.

So I have a question for you. What if someone could wave a magic wand and all your emotional pain would be gone, what would you do instead of what you are doing, or not doing?

If you're experience difficulties in you life, you can find me on my website and/or you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759.

Austin Counseling--Decisionmaking

2009-06-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

When interviewing for my first counseling job, I was asked what my worst flaw was. I spontaneously answered, "I'm not very decisive." Surprisingly, I got the job and my first goal when starting the job was to learn how to make faster, more efficiently decision and make the best decision given the situation.

The follow article reflects the process I learned about decisionmaking.

Good decisions are made "with the head and the heart". We actually make better decisions when we use our conscious mind together with our unconscious mind. Researchers in Denmark studied decisions made by people when they were allowed to think about their choices and compared this to decisions made when they were distracted and not allowed to consciously think about their problems. People made better decisions when they had been distracted - when the decision was heavily influenced by their unconscious mind.
We seem to be better able to hold multiple options in our unconscious mind and process them "in the background." Our consious mind can only attend to one or two things at a time.

Follow these steps if you are faced with a major decision in your life.
1. Before you start narrowing down options be sure you have considered all of them. It often helps to spend some time brainstorming. Are there options you haven't considered? What else might you do? Start with a blank piece of paper and write down everything you can think of related to your decision. Focus on generating possibilities without being critical.

2. After generating different options, put the piece of paper away and go do something else. Watch a movie; read a book; or literally sleep on it - go to sleep for the night.

3. Take a fresh look at the options that you generated. Do a few of them jump out at you as especially good choices? Underline them. Do others seem especially bad? Cross them out. Work toward coming up with two or three especially promising options.

4. Divide a piece of paper into two columns - one titled "advantages" and the other titled "disadvantages." Draw a line (or two) across the page dividing it into two (or three) equal sized rows. Label these for the choices you are considering.
Write down all of the advantages and disadvantages you can think of for each of the two or three choices you are considering. There will be some overlap - the advantages of one option may also be disadvantages of a different option. There will also be some unique entries in each section. It may become clear that one of your choices is better than another at the end of this procedure. Don't skip the next step, though.

5. Put the piece of paper away and don't look at it for 24 hours. You may want to take it out again the next day, or you may wake up having made your decision. If you do look at the paper again, look at it from a distance - from across the room. Do any of the blocks stand-out?
If you still can't decide, then bring a trusted friend in on the process. Another person's input can help you see things from a different point-of-view.

Source: Dijksterhuis, A. and Nordgren, L. "A Theory of Unconscious Thought". Perspectives on Psychological Science, June 2006.

Austin Marriage Counseling--Marriage & Money

2009-06-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

An important thing for premarital couples to talk about in terms of money is whether they will combine their money after marriage or keep it separate. After seeing couples for over 20 years for pre-engagement, premarital, marriage and post-divorce counseling, I find that unless there are extenuating circumstances, couples who don't "marry," i.e., combine, their money lack a feeling of "being married."

Also, if you don't trust your mate with your money, is it wise to marry that person? Money, sex, and children are the top 3 things couples argue about. Do you trust the person you're marrying with your money, your body and your future children?

And if the couple live in a community property sate like Texas, where I practice, and they divorce without having a prenup, the money will be split 50/50 in most cases. So, keeping it set aside in two different accounts doesn't protect their money from their spouse.

In addition, keeping money separate somehow leads people to believe they have more money than they really do. That's like breaking a cookie in several pieces and saying, "Now I have more cookie."

If money is an issue with you and your future or present spouse, counseling can help. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759.
My website is http://www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/

Austin Marriage--20 Ways to Ruin Your Marriage

2009-06-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

The following list of behaviors are very effective in ruining your marriage.

1. Expect your partner to read your mind.
2. Make it as hard as possible for your partner to apologize.
3. Ignore your partner's request for change by saying, "You knew this is how I was when we got together."
4. When your partner has a complaint about you, ask contemptuously, "What's wrong with you?"
5. When your partner brings up a complaint about you, get up and walk out of the room.
6. When your partner asks to spend time alone with you, refuse or ignore the question.
7. In a conflict, defend your position and refuse to see your partner's point of view.
8. Make sure your partner knows all the things they do wrong and never point out anything they do right.
9. Never show curiosity about your partner's life.
10. Never say to your partner, "Thank you," or "Please."
11. When your partner wants to have sex and you don't, tell them, "All you ever think about or want from me is sex."
12. Never, ever, let your partner change your mind in a conflict.
13. Refuse to reminisce about the good times in your relationship with your partner.
14. Dwell on the things you dislike about your partner and never try to remember their good qualities.
15.Never give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
16. Stop your partner from complaining by walking out of the house.
17. In a conflict make sure you point out all the ways your partner is wrong in their thoughts and feelings.
18. Find a friend of the opposite sex to confide in about how unhappy you are in your marriage.
19. If you're a woman, don't have sex unless you're in the mood. If you're a man, don't give affection until you've had sex.
20. Any one of these 20 things will be harmful to your marriage, but if you would like a divorce, do all of them. It's a guaranteed, sure-fire way to get your partner file for divorce.

If any of these things are happening in your marriage and you would like to heal the marriage and live "happier ever after," you can reach me at 51-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Spring, M-1, Ausitn, Texas 78759. You can find my website at www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Austin Marriage Counseling--Caring for Your Sick Mate

2009-06-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

The most prevelent feeling the well spouse experiences when caring for a sick spouse is guilt. There are a multitude of reasons the well spouse may feel guilty. One of the most common is feeling guilt about their own self care. "If my spouse is suffering, I should be suffering," often is the internal mantra running through the mind of the well spouse.

The airline analogy applies here as well as when sitting in an airplane seat. "Put your own oxygen mask on first." If your goal is to take care of your spouse to the best of your ability, don't kill off your ability to do that by not caring for yourself. Take time for yourself to recop. Here are suggestions:

1. If you need help, ask for it. Every good deed you've done has made it possible for you to call on others to help. And it is surprising how often people are completely willing to help someone struggling with caring for a sick spouse.
2. Survey your resources. Who or what organizations might be of help to you.
3. Figure out how you help can help your spouse help themselves?
4. See a counselor/therapist. Often we can't see the forest for the trees. Very often the well spouse can't see options for all the exhaustion. Getting an unbiased, professional's help can lead to new ideas and new perspectives on how to care for yourself and your spouse.
5. Stop and reflect on the possibility that the marital problems between you and your sick spouse may be both normal problems all couples go through and problems related to the illness. To what extent are those problems being worsened by your unwillingness to care for yourself and your partner's guilt about putting such a huge burden on you.
6. Read The Tough and Tender Caregiver, A Handbook for the Well Spouse

If you're struggling with caretaker's fatique or experiencing marital problems with a sick spouse, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759. My website is www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Austin Marriage Counseling--Your Man is Wonderful

2009-06-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

I discovered a new book today. It's for woman, Your Man is Wonderful.

The idea behind this book is, "Love the one you're with." Too often I find in working with couples that they focus on all the things that are going wrong in their marriage and give very little credence to what is right and good. This leads to criticisim where there is a complete lack of acknowledgement for doing things right, compliments, words of appreciation and thank you's.

In John Gottman's research on marriage, he found that one of the four most common traits in marriages that are on the rocks is this lack of positive perspective. This book can help women regain that perpective. Now Dr. Nelson needs to write the corresponding book for men.

Here's a brief synopsis of the book: "Here's a secret about your man: He wants to please you. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. He wants to see the smile on your face that tells him he's worthy. He wants to be your wonderful man.

This is what Dr. Noelle Nelson has discovered about a lot of men in relationships: they want to be there for their women and create the mutually supportive, fulfilling partnerships women dream of. The problem is, many women haven't learned how to recognize their partner's good qualities. We notice when he forgets to take out the garbage, when he insists on refolding the laundry, when he goes out for an evening with the guys and forgets to call -- and overlook the very qualities that make a relationship blossom, like basic trustworthiness, reliability, and responsiveness. A clearly defined path to recognizing your guy's positive qualities, Your Man Is Wonderful defines what a wonderful man is -- not just someone who treats his partner with regard, affection, and respect, but one who eagerly engages as her greatest cheerleader, supporter, and best friend. And it shows how to stop griping about your partner and see that the toad on the couch is really a prince-in-waiting."

If you're marriage is on the rocks because there is a lack of positive perspective, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. My office is located at 4131 Spicewood Spring, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759.
My website is www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Are You Committed to Your Marriage?

2009-05-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

In every session I have with a couple, I ask each partner if they are committed to their marriage. Once they give an answer, I ask what committment means to them. Over the years I have gotten many definitions to the word committment. Very often people confuse this word with other aspects of marriage, such as fidelity, trust, or partnership.

Webster's definition of committment is "an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged; the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled."
More simply stated, the definition seems to mean that you make certain promises and then keep those promises "for better or worse."

What I'm looking for when I ask each partner about their committment is either a direct statement of or something sounding like, "I'm willing to do what it takes to make this marriage work. I'm not going to give up easily. Even when it's really hard work. I'll stick with it and do my part."

We live in a throw-away society. Our culture has made it fairly easy to give up on all kinds of things, including marriage. But the things we stick with, work at, and dedicate ourselves to are the things we hold dearest to our hearts. We take pride in our willingness to do the hard work, and with each new challenge we face, we become even more committed to that endeavor. Committment breeds higher standards, raising the bar for success.

Committed partners in a marriage may initially just want the fighting to stop, but over time as they commit their hearts, minds and souls to the marriage, their expectations rise. They don't settle for just a "good enough marriage," they strive for excellence.

Whatever stage, if you have a desire to improve your marriage, I commit myself to doing the hard work, sticking with you and your partner in finding a better life together. You can find more on marriage counseling on my website. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759.

Four Warning Signs of Marital Meltdown

2009-04-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

According to the research of psycholgist, John Gottman, there are 4 warning signs that a marriage is in jeopardy.

1. Things are more negative than positive in the marriage.
All relationships have both positive and negative behaviors. However, in marriages that are healthy, there are 5 times more positive behaviors than negative behaviors. These behaviors include appreciations, acknowledgement, compliments, and affection.

2. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are consistently present in conflicts.
In Gottman's study, over 80% of couples who used these forms of communication in conflict eventually divorced.

3. One or both people in the relationship "flood" while talking about conflicts.
Flooding is when you go into the stress response. You're being flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart rate and blood pressure go up as your cognitions become more negative and more irrational. Solving the problems associated with the conflict becomes very difficult and you are more likely to react by using criticism, defendsiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

4. Efforts to repair negativity during a conflicts are unsuccessful.
No one is perfect. When a conflict becomes negative, it's time to make a repair attempt i.e. apologize or acknowledge your partner's point of view. When these efforts are made and are met with negativity or are ignored, the person on the receiving end starts to feel hopeless about the marriage.

If these things are occurring in your marriage, and you would like help in getting back on track to have a better marriage, you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759. You can find me on my website at http://www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

Depression and Anxiety--Our Economic Crisis

2009-03-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Here are a few tips on how to deal with our economic crisis and how to avoid falling into a depression or being overly anxious.

1. If you're sensitive to and easily influenced by what you hear or read in the media, avoid it.
2. A recent research study showed that being around happy people really is contagious. Find happy people to be with and provide that to others.
3. Help someone who is having a harder time than you. Volunteer & contribute to your community.
4. Read inspirational books and articles about how people have overcome adversity.
5. Make a list of "positive rehearsal" statements--thoughts that are soothing to you. Write them down and then pull them out when you're feeling anxious or down.

If you're experiencing depression or anxiety, I can be reached at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Spring, Austin, Texas 78759. You can also find me at my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Marital Conflict--Taking Breaks

2009-03-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling cause conflicts to escalate. Catch them early. The earlier the better i.e. before you say them or immediately after hearing them. When these 4 toxic communications start showing up, it's time for a break.

Follow these steps to a better outcome when dealing with escalating conflicts.
1. Announce to your partner that you need a break and how long the break will be. Take at least a 20 minute break.

2. While you're on your break, do something calming and distracting like taking a walk. While you're calming down, stop yourself from using negative rehearsal. Examples of negative rehearsal are, "She's so stubborn," "We're going to end up in a divorce," "I'm fed up with all of this." Replace the negative rehearsal with positive rehearsal. Positive rehearsal needs to be anything that is positive and you believe, like, "I realy like it when he/she says __________," "I really like it when he/she does ____________," "My goal is to have have a happy marriage."

3. After the amount of time has passed for your break, go back to your partner and let them know you are ready to talk again.

If taking breaks doesn't help de-escalate your conflicts, there may be another problem that needs to be addressed in marriage counseling. You can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759. You can find me at www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

Infidelity / Affairs / Cheating / Adultery

2009-03-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

THE CRISIS — Infidelity / Affair / Cheating / Adultery
Basically they’re all the same.
You thought you had an understanding with your partner or spouse that included not having a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone outside your relationship or marriage.

Now —
You either suspect or know for a fact he/she is cheating on you
or has cheated on you.
Or —
You either are cheating or were cheating on him/her.

Nothing stirs feelings up more than dealing with this issue. People frequently report their feelings being completely out of control and often report feeling crazy at times. This is true for both the one cheated on and the one doing the cheating.

Webster’s dictionary defines a crisis as being
“the turning point for better or worse; a sudden attack of pain, distress or disordered function; an emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life; the decisive moment, an unstable or crucial time or state of affair in which a decisive change is impending; a situation that has reached a critical phase.”

Cheating, or being cheated on, creates a major crisis in your life. And when it does, one word takes center stage — the word that says it all.

BETRAYAL
Few feelings can compare. Even death often is easier to deal with.

Betraying someone who trusted you, even in the most callous of people, often produces more guilt than almost any misdeed. Being betrayed wounds at the deepest level. It seems as if the relationship can never be healed. How could you ever feel trusted again, or how could you ever trust again?

I continuously hear people say, "It takes time to get over being betrayed." Well, yes. But my question to my clients who have cheated on their loved one is, "How are you going to use this time? Just letting time pass isn't enough. You've got to do the 'right things' during that time that is passing."

Sometimes the person who cheats has a good grasp of what it's going to take to rebuild trust. Often, they have no idea. When my clients "have no idea." I tell them to ask the person they've hurt, listen compassionately to their answer and be willing to do what it takes. This is the essense of committment.

If you and your mate are married, you hopefully have another level of committment. The intent of the vows we take in the marriage ceremony is "for better or for worst." In your marriage vows, aren't you committing to doing everything it takes to make the marriage as good as you possibily can make it?

If you're having a difficult time building trust with your "significant other," you can reach me at 512-795-0402. I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759. If you live out of Austin and would like to work on building trust with your mate, you can reach me on Liveperson.com.

Wedding Vows--The Most Overlooked & Most Important Part of Your Wedding

2009-03-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

The most overlooked and most important part of your wedding is the exchanging of the vows. They are the heart and soul of the wedding ceremony. All the rest is a celebration of the vow exchange.

Your vows are your promises to each other concerning how you will BE with each other. They are your rules, constitution and contract, and like all good contracts, they state your willingness to be accountable to your partner.

Technically, the exchanging of the vows is the wedding. The moment when the vows are spoken is the moment of covenant. And yet, many couples never discuss or make a decision about what will be said. Quite often couples don’t even know what will be said until the day of the wedding, because they leave it up to the minister or officiate to decide.

Surely the most significant words you will ever say to each other should be well-thought out and heart felt. In my premarital counseling many couples chose to spend a few sessions discussing the vows the officiate has provided or learning how to write their own vows.

If you would like to learn more about premarital counseling or writing your own vows, I can be reached at 512-795-0402. I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, Austin, Texas 78759

Nurturing Your Marriage While Nurturing Your New Baby

2009-03-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Ah! There's nothing like bringing a new baby home. You fall in love with that beautiful angelic face, and your heart just melts. What could be more delightful than holding that precious bundle you've been waiting on for nine months?

You bring Little "Johnny" or "Suzy" home and start your new life as a family. But did you know, according to research done by John Gottman, Ph.D. at the Relationship Research Institute, ". . . within three years after the birth of a child, approximately two-thirds of couples will experience a significant drop in relationship quality and have a dramatic increase in conflict and hostility."

Here's some tips on how to nurture your marriage after the baby arrives.

Things You’ll Need in Order to Accomplish these Steps:
Awareness
Determination
A Willingness to Change

Step 1. Date--You and your mate need time alone where the two of you can give each other that "delighted attention" you got as babies and that you got when the two of you feel in love originally. Don't talk about problems on the date. Don't invite friends, family or pets along on your date. Make your date fun. Remember you once were great playmates and it was so fun you wanted to do it forever, so you got married.
Step 2. In conflict avoid criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Psychologist, John Gottman, found in his 30 study of predictors for happy, stable marriages that these 4 things give you at least an 80% chance of divorcing if you use them frequently in your conflicts.
Step 3. Play with your baby together. However, don't compete for his/her attention while playing together. This is the moment you first start teaching your child that you and your mate are a team. Play cooperatively. And remember, babies love faces more than any toy and they especially love mom and dad's face.

For more information, go to my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

If you need help with your relationship or marriage, you can reach me at 512-795-0402
I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Relationships--Connecting? or Not?

2009-02-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

Are you annoyed when your "significant other" trys to make small talk with you? And how do you respond? Ignore them or bark at them? If these are the responses you have, you are missing out on "the fundemental unit of emotional communication." Psychologist, John Gottman, has found that these moments are the building blocks of emotional connection. "You're not going to believe what I heard today," translated, really means, "I want to connect with you."

"Turning towards," or responding with positive and affirmative interest, when your significant other makes small talk, is a way to build intimacy and increase positive feelings for one another. It's nice to have this in your relationship, but more importantly, it serves as a buffer when conflicts occur. It's like putting money in the bank. You make deposits over and over, and then the emotional bank account fills. When you have a heated conflict and there is sufficiant positive feelings between you and your significant other, the conflicts are less likely to escalate and there is more opportunity for resolution.

"There's gold in them there hills," and it's those small moments. Relish them, hear the unspoken message in them and respond positively. You'll be amazed how it will enhance your communication and the relationship itself.

If you would like to learn more about how to improve your relationship, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to relationships on my website.
I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Happiness vs. Unhappiness

2009-02-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

In my practice in Austin, Texas, I find that people are very often unhappy because they have unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and acting. Often these people don't get their needs met, rarely get what they want, and/or don't appreciate the good things in their lives. And most of the time this is learned and not hard wired into their brains. That's the bad news. The good news is that if you learned unhealthy ways of approaching life, you can learn new ways.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you rationally direct your own behavior?
2. Are you in charge of your own destiny?
3. Are you self-aware — do you know yourself and accept your strengths and weaknesses?
4. Are you anchored in the present?
5. Do you seek out new challenges, goals and experiences?
6. Gratify their basic needs through acceptable behavior?
7. Do you devote energies and thoughts to socially meaningful interests and problem beyond your own security, lovability and status?
8. Do you think and act spontaneously rather than on fear based on past experiences?
9. Do you have the ability to enjoy the moment.
10.Do you have little interest in judging other people?
11.Do you have little interest in interpreting the actions of others?
12.Do you have little interest in conflict?
13.Do you solve problems instead of worrying about them?
14.Do you have frequent episodes of appreciation?
15.Do you have a feeling of connectedness with others and nature?
16.Do you smile often.
17.Do you know when to let things happen and when to make things happen?
18.Are you susceptible to the love extended by others as well as have the urge to extend it?

If you answered "no" to many of these questions it could, please call me and lets work together to help you feel happier. You can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to my website.I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Predicting Marital Satisfaction

2009-02-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

Do you think you can guess what the highest predictor for marital or couple satisfaction is?

In a 30 year study of predictors for happy, stable marriages, psychologist, John Gottman found that being each other's best friend is the highest predictor.

Are you and your partner best friends? Were you ever? If you were, but you're not now, do you know why you're not? More than likely the answer can be found in your conflicts.

When happy, stable couples were asked in Gottman's research why being best friends was so important, do know what they said?

In my practice in Austin, Texas, I increase a couple's motivation to change by helping them understand why being best friends is so important. Then I help them identify the things they are doing in conflict that erode away their ability to be best friends.

If you would like to know more about how to have a strong relationship, one that could last forever, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to couples counseling on my website.
I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759. Also visit www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

Getting Married--Is he/she that in to me?

2009-02-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day and single women around the globe are waiting for the man in their lives to pop the question, "Will you marry me?" After all, isn't Valentine's Day the perfect day for popping the question?

Whether he asks or doesn't. Whether she answers, yes or no, single men and women all over the world will be asking themselves, is he/she really the right one?

As a counselor of over 20 years and a person married 39 years, here's a piece advice that could save you a lot of needless pain and suffering. Before you pop THE question or before you say, “Yes,” to THE question, get some advise on whether it's a good decision to marry each other. Over 50% of all marriage fail and often people say they wish they had picked more wisely. Deciding to marry is the most important decision you will ever make. And you can't afford to just make this decision with your heart. A decision made with both your head and your heart is more likely to lead to a happy, healthy marriage.

According to a recent LA Times article:
“Increasingly, couples are seeking out ‘pre-pre-marital counseling’ or pre-engagement counseling. It's an opportunity to sit down with trained advisers to examine, dispassionately, whether their love is a passing fancy... Using tools from social science, it aims to prepare them for conflict, to prevent unions based on blind impulse — and, ultimately, to reduce the divorce rate...”

If you're interested in pre-engagement counseling, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or go to pre-engagement counseling my website.
I'm located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Marriage and the Evolving Economy

2009-02-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

Any outside stressor can put pressure on your marriage. It could be extended family issues, children's needs, work, money, etc. But why do these stressors seem to bring some couples closer, while other couples unravel under the pressure?

Having outside stressors means there are new problems to solve. Both partners in the couple have their own ideas about how to solve the problem. This can produce conflict. For couples who haven't learn how to work like a team, there can be bickering and fighting over who's right, who's wrong, and who's to blame for the problem.

In addition, each partner may be experiencing significant personal stress. This stress often makes it harder to be rational and logical. Solving the problems at hand is more difficult under these conditions. These personal stressors then become another barrier to communicating with each other.

In psychologist, John Gottman's 40 years of marriage research, he has found that the way people discuss their problems is highly predictive of how happy they will be in the marriage and whether they will divorce or not. He also has found that if couples have conflicts involving criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, the conflicts will escalate. The problem will divide the couple instead of uniting them. He also has found that if couples have these escalated conflicts, the conflicts will get worse over time, driving the partner apart. Each partner starts feeling hopeless about whether things will ever change. At this point, most couples divorce.

Gottman has found that couples wait about 6 years too long to deal with their inability to regulate their conflicts. Don't wait. If you feel your marriage is taking a downward spiral, get help even if your partner won't join you. One person can make a signicant difference.

If interested marriage counseling using John Gottman's methods, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or find information about marriage counseling at my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

Happiness--Where Are You?

2009-02-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

In my practice I always ask my clients to write goals for what they would like to accomplish. Sometimes my clients have a hard time being specific about their goals and say, "I just want to be happy again."

Initially in working with these clients, they say that "if __________, would change" they would be happy. In other words, if they got what they wanted, then they could be happy.

As I work with these clients, they come to learn that getting what you want doesn't necessary bring happiness and that happiness is a complex subject. There are many theories of what makes us happy. So, I have an exercise I do with these clients to get to the "the juicy" stuff that actually can move them closer to happiness.

When you're pondering your own happiness, identify what it is you think would make you happy and then ask yourself, what about this "thing" would make me happy. So let's say you think having a new Lexus would make you happy. What about having a Lexus would make you happy? "Well, then I would have a beautiful, new car." Then ask the question again. What about having a beautiful, new car would make you happy? "Well, I'm really tired of driving around a piece of junk that breaks down all the time, looks awful and isn't dependable." Then ask the question again. What about having a car that isn't junky, doesn't break down and is dependable would make you happy? "I could stop worrying about whether I was going to be stranded somewhere and stop worrying that my friends, family and coworker think I'm financially irresponsible."

Now we have something to work with. A Lexus for you represents feeling secure and finacially responsible. This is what you are needing. Now we can find ways of getting those needs met without going out and buying the Lexus, which you can't afford.

However, even getting those needs met may not spell happiness. More often it just eliminates unhappiness.

The Dalai Lama has said, "I believe that satisfaction, joy and happiness are the ultimate purposes of life. And the basic sources of happiness are a good heart, compassion, and love."

I have found that the farther away my clients move from having a good heart, compassion for others, and truly loving significant others in their lives, the more unhappy they become.

If you're unhappiness, which often is described as depression, is concerning you, we can work on rediscovering your purpose, living a life of "satisfaction, joy and happiness." You can reach me at 512-795-0402 or on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Intimacy--Feeling Close and Connected

2009-02-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

A frequent complaint I hear in couples counseling is, "We don't feel close anymore. We just feel like roommates." Often this means there is a lack of intimacy, not necessary sexually, but more often emotional intimacy is missing. If you could observe, like a fly on the wall, the lives of couples who report they feel close and connected you would find that they engage in certain things that create intimacy.

General Principles of Intimacy

1. People who are intimate spend time together.
2. People who are intimate talk about vulnerable feelings, hopes, and dreams.
3. People who are intimate touch each other a fair amount.
4 Men and women often have different ideas about creates intimacy.
5. People who are intimate do thoughtful actions for each other — “grants” of daily loving behavior.
6. People who continue to stay intimate over the years have learned to be very specific about what they want and need from their partner.
7. Intimacy can only occur in an atmosphere of trust.

If you don't feel close and connected to your partner, an intimacy issue may be getting in the way. If you would like more information about how to work on these issues, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Austin Marriage Counseling

2009-02-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

How's YOUR marriage?

Let’s try a few simple True/False questions and see how versed you are in relationship or marital satisfaction:

In happy stable relationship/marriages, couples work hard at avoiding conflict.

The second highest predictor for ending of a relationship/divorce is affairs.

Complaining in a relationship/marriage is bad for the relationship/marriage.

Couples need to learn to have a high tolerance for negativity once they committ to each other or marry.

A happy, stable relationship/marriage is characterized by both partners working hard at maintaining the feelings of being in love.

The highest predictor for the end of a relationship/divorce is unresolved conflict.

How did you do? Did you guess that most of these are True? Guess again. Every one of them is false.

If you would like to learn what it takes to stay married forever, call me at 512-795-0402 and go to marriage counseling on my website www.mariposapsychotherapy.com/marriageCounseling.html

I'm 60.

2009-02-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

What a fantastic birthday. Kauai was beautiful, fragrant, calming, refreshing and because of the 100% humidity and no heat, I looked 50 not 60. It was much worse "going to be 60" than being 60.

I wouldn't exactly say I held my breath all year, but there was some relief having "the birth day" behind me. And the alternative to not "turning 60" is not desirable to me.

I saw Benjamin Button yesterday and the idea of going backwards in the aging process seemed very appealing. But as my husband said, "Going forwards or backwards, it all ends the same."

I'm Flyin' Now

2008-11-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

I did it! I know. I said I'd wait until the day after Thanksgiving, but last Wednesday American Airlines put their flights from Austin to Kauai on sale---60% off the regular price. I was stunned and thrilled. I booked through AMEX where I had a $1000 worth of rewards points. Then the topper was that because I had trouble booking online and called AMEX, they gave me $800 off of the the price of the the trip. Aah, waiting until last minute can pay off sometimes. That's hard for a planner like me to admit.

So, we leave 12/29 and come back 1/5. On the 30th, my 60th birthday, we'll be flying all around Kauai in a small plane. Then on New Year's Eve we're going to a luau and then to the beach to watch the fireworks over the water. We've rented a convertible to get around on the island. The hotel is located on the beach and was surprisingly inexpensive. I can't believe after 10 months of waiting I finally know what I'm doing on my 60th birthday.

But what about the profound change I was hoping for during this year? Has it happened? Surprisingly, yes, I believe it has. Not because of anything I have done. It's happened because Barak Obama is now going to be president. The profound change is in me because he won? I have hope again. I realized at the moment the news splashed across my tv screen that for the last 8 years I have been in a funk, a gray haze with not the slightest glimpse of light leading into the future. I've felt a profound sadness deep inside that America had passed its glory days and the future was all downhill from now on. But Obama's unwavering belief that things can be better and that everyone can be part of making it better, his belief that "we can do it," truly gives me hope. Everyday since the election I've gotten up feeling lighter.

I know, not everyone agrees with me on this issue and some may even feel that funk because Obama won. But I have faith that if people just give him a chance, he will lift our spirits and take our country to place of respect in the world again. I believe he has "the right stuff" and will be a great leader.

Winston Chuchill said, "Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it." I believe we'll all be "drinking champagne" in the next 4 years.

Planning vs. Winging It

2008-10-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

In an effort to do some preparing for my birthday celebration, I now have 3 more places to add to my list of backup plans: Ruidoso, New Mexico; Las Vegas, Nevada; and Santa Barbara, California, and, of course, Paris was already on the list. But I still haven't given up on Kauai, Hawaii and Costa Rica.

My husband keeps asking me when I'm going to make a decision. Odd! He's the spontaneous one. I've decided I'm going to "maybe" make a decision on Nov. 27th, Thanksgiving Day.

Why is that some of the most special moments in life, are completely unplanned and are just stubbled upon? And could some inventor out there come up with a way to bottle those moments. Pictures, if taken at those times, can help. But what about the moments we can't photograph? And could this inventor also figure out how to share those moments fully with people who weren't there?

Oh!, "head slap," Serendipity (An unsought, unintended, or unexpected discovery, made by accident and sagacity; The discovery of something by accident while investigating something quite different)and ephemeral (things that are transitory, existing only briefly)are the very essense of and is what makes these moments special. I guess if we could truly capture these moments in all their entirety, they would lose their specialness.

Being fully awake and present prepares us to fully appreciate special moments when they come around. Carolyn C. Martin

My Evolving 60th Year

2008-10-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting last few days with the economic crisis. How I will be celebrating my 60th birthday will be effected. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that I haven't planned anything yet. What life-changing experience will I go through because things may shift so dramatically in the coming months?

I believe no matter what may come, I will grow from it. I believe we all will learn and grow a great deal from the coming months.

There is an element of opportunity in every crisis.
Carolyn C. Martin

More Roots

2008-09-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I never made it to see Lucy, my long lost relative from Ethopia. But in the last year I have been tracing my closer family roots. Ancestry.com is an amazing thing. I found two distant cousins who are passionate about geneology too and we have been furiously exchanging information about the Newton family and all the descendents.

Again as I approach my 60th birthday, I'm trying to make dramatic changes in my life. Not to say my life is bad. It certainly isn't, but I feel as though going from 59 to 60 is a passage into, at least mentally, the phase of life called "crone," a phase of wisdom, maturity and spirtuality. In pagan beliefs, I should have gone through that phase at 50, and I guess in many respects I did. But I've also always been a late bloomer. Or maybe, because people live longer now, we can hold off moving into "cronehood" until 60.

With my transition to 60, I've decided to go back to the place of my farthest recorded roots. I'm going to Pennsylvania in October. I hope to plug the gaps in my family history. It will be an interesting journey. I'm going alone. It seems that as we age, it is our destiny to be alone. We come into the world alone and become part of something bigger, but at the end, we go out alone.

But until that day comes for me, well, I say, there's no reason you can't be wise, mature, spiritual and, also, flying down the highway of life at 90 miles an hour with the top down. I bet B B Ellerbeck was at least 60 when he designed the first retractable hardtop car in 1931.

By the way, did I mention we bought a convertible a month ago?

60 is the new 50, and I'm going to live the rest of my life like my pants are on fire. Carolyn C. Martin

My Addiction

2008-08-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

I discovered this week that I have addiction. I never knew this. Of course, the "first step" to dealing with any addiction is "acknowledging you are powerless over _________." Well, I'm publicly acknowledging that I am powerless over planning. I feel so compelled to "plan" that I can hardly help myself. I discovered this thing about myself as I have gone through the the last few months with my pending birthday celebration looming over me. My "plan" was to wait until the last minute to "plan" my birthday vacation. This decision was a "plan" to try to have a life changing experience during the year proceeding my 60th birthday.

But I never dreamed my life changing experience would lead to a discovery of addiction. I just can't stand not knowing what I'm going to do for this vacation. Everytime I have a free moment, I find myself trying to find "a cheap flight, vacation etc." I just can't seem to leave it to chance. Of course, the wise thing to do would be to "plan" ahead in order to get the least expensive flights, accommodation, etc. And, my criteria for what it is we will do, is that it can't be expensive. So, I keep thinking, the only thing cheap enough in December will be to somewhere like Alaska, a place where no one would want to go between Christmas and New Years--in the dead of winter.

But I, also, discovered that unconsciously I had a back-up "plan." Tickets to Paris in the winter are very cheap. If all else fails, we'll be in Paris for my birthday and New Years. Who could complain about that? So, like all addicts, I've got a something "stashed" away if I need it. I can get my fix just by reminding myself that I have a back-up plan.

Spontaneity is way overrated and given half a chance I'll stamp it out.
Carolyn Martin

I'm Now Available on Liveperson.com--Press Release

2008-07-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

Carolyn C. Martin can now be found at www.liveperson.com/carolyn-c-martin for live chat or phone counseling or by email.
Issued By: Mariposa PsychotherapyJul 03, 2008 21:22:56

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PRLog (Press Release) – Jul 03, 2008 – After doing counseling and psychotherapy in private practice and in hospitals for over 20 years, Carolyn C. Martin, MS, LPC, LMFT, has become available for online chat, phone counseling and through email at www.liveperson.com/carolyn-c-martin. Ms. Martin is a Licenced Professional Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist in Austin, Texas. She provides counseling & therapy to individuals, couples, and families. She feels that her first task as a therapist is to establish trust with my clients. Then she willI help them discover better ways of dealing with their world. Her approach to therapy is compassionate, reassuring and solution oriented. She sees individuals for depression, anxiety and sexual abuse. She sees couples for premarital, marital, post-divorce, specializing in issues of infidelity, affairs, and cheating. She also sees clients for parenting issues, specializing in the problems of new parents. Ms. Martin uses a multitude of therapeutic approaches: cognitive behavioral, solution-focused, psychodynamic, existential, behavioral, and family systems therapy, etc. Coming from a teaching background, she is acutely aware that clients have a wide variety of learning styles. She trys to fit the method to the client. When working with couples in premarital or marriage counseling, she assesses & facilitates change using the research & methods of John Gottman. This approach for martial success is comprehensive and highly effective. She is a Certified Gottman Educator for the Bringing Baby Home Workshop also. You can also find her at www.mariposapsychotherapy.com

Spring Has Sprung

2008-03-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today's blog seems forced. I have no topic in mind, no great wisdom to share, and only a few minutes to write. The weather is beautiful here in Austin, Texas, and I'd rather be outside. I just came from a walk, but who can get enough of perfect weather. Unfortunately, I have to work--paperwork, yuck.

Shouldn't there be some rule like, "Paperwork is not allow if it's between 70 and 80 degrees, there's not a cloud in the sky and flowers are popping out as you read this rule?"

A Big Life Change

2008-03-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

So, after much exploration of places to go for my birthday, I began planning a romantic, adventure vacation to Kauai, Hawaii. I did my research, found flights and hotel, decided we would "take flight" on a helicopter on my birthday and would spend New Year's at a luau. WOW! A real dream of a vacation.

So, I was ready to press the botton and book the trip because I had it all planned out in my head. I always plan, plan thoroughly and tenaciously. I have to know what's coming, and I take great joy in fantacizing about what is to come. The planning is as important as the trip itself. All our trips are basically planned by me. Yes, I can be spontaneous, but only "planned spontaneity."

Then it hit me. If I really am looking for a life change, not planning would be the more obvious way to go. Oh, the agony of giving up a lifelong habit, a good habit, but any habit can be a curse. It's hard to believe, but I've decided to wait until the last minute to plan this trip. Last minute deals are all over the internet.

I'm "flying blind" on this one and I'm having withdrawal. I just can't help myself. I keep checking vacation deals and then catching myself. Reluctantly, I shut down the website and walk away from my computer. Ugg!

"Old habits die hard, and I need a jump start." Carolyn C. Martin

The Origins of Happiness

2008-03-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

So, as I thought about going to see Lucy, my long lost relative and the origin of humankind (refer to the last entry), I've been thinking about the origins of happiness. What made Lucy happy? My lack of knowledge about humans in that time period makes it hard to imagine what made her happy. However, in such a primal state, I would guess that having safety, food, and shelter for herself and her young was what made her happy. But as humans have evolved, we have developed other ways of finding happiness once our basic needs are met.

"I believe that satisfaction, joy and happiness are the ultimate purposes of life. And the basic sources of happiness are a good heart, compassion, and love." The Dalai Lama

Birthday Experience

2008-03-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

The search for my 60th birthday experience is still on. I've explored Africa, the Med, the Caribbean, and Central America as possible birthday vacations. Each has a lot to offer.

Since we're talking about celebrating my birth, I thought it only proper I find my long lost relative, Lucy. For those of you who are unaware, Lucy is the name of the oldest remains of a human. She was found in Hadar, Ethiopia and is on display in Houston until some time in April. The belief is that Ethiopia is the "birthplace" of humankind. While I could just go visit her in Houston, I'd rather go to Ethiopia where it all began.

Tandem hang gliding is on the list of things to do. It's the nearest to flying, my effort to recapture my childhood dreams of flying. But I also have discovered rainforest canopy adventures in Costa Rica. Straight out of one of my favorite movies, Medicine Man, I've found the real-life experience that thrills me everytime I watch this movie. Flying through the trees on a belay has now caught my attention.

But what about the name of this blog, The Secret Life of a Butterfly? Let us not forget that there are over 1,000 butterfly species found in Costa Rica and they are everywhere in the air year round.

And, also, "being" in the presence of lions, tiger, elephants, hippos etc on a safari has always intrigued me. I guess another movie is responsible for this--Out of Africa. My husband keeps warning me of the polical unrest in Kenya. Dear, I'll never "own a farm in Africa." Can't I at least see what I'm missing.

Then there's another experience, again, straight out of a movie, Gorillas in the Mist. As my husband keeps reminding me, Uganda and Rwanda are in political unrest also. But to sit as Dian Fossey did, just watching the gorillas, would delight the child, educate the psychologist and enlighten the human in me.

The Med, well, I just have always wanted to take a cruise, see Cairo, Morroco, and Greece. On the other hand, the Caribbean is has perfect weather for a December birthday.

I also have been trying to remember that we'll be on the trip during New Year's. So, where do I want to start 2009?

Time is slipping away fast. I started thinking about this 1/1/08. Somehow, it's now 2/2/08. So I've been thinking maybe I could just start celebrating now by visiting Lucy in Houston. She's got a neighboring exhibit at the Houston Museum of Natural Science--the Butterfly Habitat.

"Life comes at you fast." Commerical for Geico Insurance
"Orange is the new pink and now is the new yesterday." --Carolyn Martin

Divorce--Stay or Go?

2008-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

Marriage is a lot of work sometimes. And, even though you may have worked hard to make things go well in your marriage, there sometimes comes a point in time when you have to make a decision — the decision between staying to fight for your marriage, or moving away from the marriage to find happiness and peace.

In order to make the decision, you may need more information or someone to help you process what you're going through. Gathering information from books, magazines, the internet, etc. can help. Talking to a friend or relative may help. Or seeing a professional may be helpful.
The important thing is to make a decision. Being in "limbo" is a horrible feeling because you can't really get rooted if you are in limbo... all you know is that you aren't happy and don't know what to do. You may feel stuck in a rut or feel as if you are wandering aimlessly.

When trying to make a decision whether to divorce, consider the following:
1. Have you gone to marriage counseling? Many marriages that seem doomed can actually be saved.
2. Have you gone to marriage counseling, and it didn't help? Every therapist has their own style and belief about how marriage can be saved. If you did marriage counseling before, and it wasn't helpful, there may have been a miss-match between you and the therapist. Isn't your marriage worth trying again?
3. Have you and your spouse taken the time to talk and isolate the real problems of the marriage without blaming each other? This is hard but can be very worthwhile.

I often hear:
1. "But we're just friends now. Doesn't that mean we should get a divorce?" Friendship is the basis of the best marriage. If you need more in the marriage, you and your partner can work on that.
2. "We fight constantly. Doesn't that mean we should get a divorce?" Conflict is normal and natural in any relationship. The trick is to learn how to have conflict that brings you closer together instead of further apart.
3. "My partner won't change. Does that mean I should divorce?" Change isn't easy sometimes. It takes time and patience. See my page on Why Do People Change?
4. "We're not in love anymore." If you still love each other but aren't "in love," the marriage very possibly can be saved, and you can bring the romantic love back.
5. "I don't trust my spouse anymore. Isn't that a dangerous sign?" It could be. Trust is the foundation of all good marriages. If you don't have it, you don't have much, but many times the trust can be revived.

The following facts can also help you decide whether to stay in your marriage or divorce. No matter what your decision, these things may also help you decide how you will conduct yourself in either scenario.
1. Divorce is always painful for children, no matter how old they are. But it's not always traumatic.
2. Divorce does not end the relationship between you and your spouse, it just changes the rules of the relationship.
3. The divorce takes place psychologically for children on the day of the separation.
4. Two people living apart cannot live as cheaply as two people living together. Almost always both partners' standard of living drops.
4. Unhappy parents cannot raise happy children.
5. When parents live apart, children have more opportunities to manipulate them.
6. Divorce is a process, not an event.
7. There are no winners in divorce.
You're considering divorce can reach me at 512-795-0402 or visit divorce counseling on my website.
I am located at 4131 Spicewood Springs, M-1, Austin, Texas 78759

Marriage & the New Baby

2008-03-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

Ah! There's nothing like bringing a new baby home. You fall in love with that beautiful angelic face, and your heart just melts. What could be more delightful than holding that precious bundle you've been waiting on for nine months?
You bring Little "Johnny" or "Suzy" home and start your new life as a family. But did you know, according to research done by John Gottman, Ph.D. at the Relationship Research Institute,

1. Within three years after the birth of a child, approximately two-thirds of couples will experience a significant drop in relationship quality and have a dramatic increase in conflict and hostility.

2. On the first birthday of a child, his/her parents have a 67% chance of reporting that they are unhappy with their marriage.
3. 50% to 80% of new mothers and 30% of new fathers suffer depression – the result of dramatic drops in couple intimacy?

4. Couples often forget or are unaware that their relationship needs nurturing just like their new baby needs nurturing, and therefore, often find themselves neglecting the relationship.

"We now know that the couple's emotional life is the real foundation for a baby's development. A hostile parent-parent relationship holds lasting negative effects on the baby' emotional and cognitive development. These long-tern effects mean that a majority of American children are experiencing a tragic loss of family connection long before they ever enter school." says John Gottman, Ph.D.

Research shows that when a parent is depressed, babies:
1. become less responsive, emotionally withdrawn and lack joy.
2. won't explore their environment and won't experience new events with delight.
3. develop brain wave patterns that resemble those of its depressed parent.
may have developmental delays.
4. have an inability to self-soothe and attend to play.
5. show lower scores in areas of intellectual development by age four.

When a parent's relationship is distressed, babies
1. have more negative interactions with their parents than other babies.
2. withdraw from their fathers.
3. are at risk for developing mental heath problems.
4. are less physically healthy and sick more often.
5. are at increased risk for developing behavioral problems.

If you, your spouse or your relationship is experiencing distress due to BRINGING BABY HOME find a therapist trained to deal with this issue.

"The greatest gift you can give your child is a strong relationship between the two of you. The real cradle that holds your baby is the emotional world between the two of you."John Gottman, Ph.D.

I am a Certified Gottman Educator for the Bringing Baby Home Workshop also. For more info about the Bringing Baby Home Program see http://www.gottman.com/. If you would like to work in this area, you can reach me at 512-795-0402 or on my website at Bringing Baby Home

Time between blogs--Loss of a Dream

2008-01-31T08:14:00.000-08:00

Since I last wrote, I've been faced with the loss of a lifetime dream. I've seen my clients go through this on many occasions, watching it produce significant depression and sadness. Losing any dream is significant, but losing a dream you've had most of your life can be devastating.

My dream, like so many of my clients' dreams, was based on making the world a better place. Not that I don't feel I've contributed some to that. My profession gives me that opportunity and gift, a gift I am always so grateful for. But many times we have very specific ways we would like to achieve a dream. We've narrowed the dream down to being the most closely expressed way of fulfilling that dream. And I find that these specific ways of expressing the dream are based on our values and moral beliefs. They go to the core of who we are, and therefore, they are an expression of who we are. Unfortunately, those are the dreams, when lost, that make us question our purpose in life, the reason for our existence and even our worth.

I am so fortunate to have watched and helped assist my clients tackle these kinds of losses. They do it with such courage. I feel so blessed that they are willing to share that experience with me. So through my clients, I've learned to face my loss, accept my loss, move on and focus on achieving my dream, just not in the way I had planned.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans." Bob Dylan

"Being"

2008-01-14T09:47:00.000-08:00

For me, today, it is a day of knowing too much. I wish it meant being smarter, but instead, it feels like supreme ignorance. For some "unknown" reason I am hyper aware of everything around me and inside of me. It feels like being engulfed by thousands of watts of electricity. It feels overwhelming and confusing.

I've followed my morning routine of breakfast, meditating, walking then blogging. Normally, this is calming and prepares me to do my day's work, but today, something else is happening. Maybe if I just try "being" with the feeling.

As I wrote that last sentence, I felt that feeling of "being overwhelmed" dissipate. Just being is so simple, but often, so exceedingly difficult. Being right in this moment, just letting this moment happen, can be such a struggle. What a paradox.

And letting go of the struggle can be so freeing. Why don't we do it more often? Why is it so easy to forget that we can just "be?" As a child I didn't forget. I would go about all day just being and no one had to remind me to do it. I just did it. No wonder I had those flying dreams. I spent all day "being" myself, feeling free to "be" myself. At night in my sleep, my mind gave me wings to metaphorically relive that feeling of being so free.

Jon Kabat-Zinn tells us that this kind of "being" is the essence of "self-love."
Jennie Craig tells us that "self-love is the only weight loss aid that really works in the long run."

In "Not Knowing"

2008-01-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

My week has been filed with many things and many moods, good and bad. In many moments I find myself thinking about what my next blog "should" be. Now at the end of this week, I've learned to turn "shouldness" into "awareness." If I let them, my thoughts can be awarenesses of what I could write about.

Thoughout my younger life I struggled with "not knowing" and needing to have the answers to everything. I had a habit of "predicting," as best I could, my future. My wise and much appreciated therapist, Kerry, would make me "aware" of my habit and challenge me to just, "be."

I got really good at "being" until I experienced the worst stress I had ever encountered. I fell deeply back into "needing to know." Recoverying from it took time, patience and just sitting with "not knowing." As my life has continued, extreme life-changing stresses have kicked me back into my habit from time to time. Every time it has, it is accompanied by my struggling to escape my "cocoon" and fly free and just "be" with my life.

My goal is to not fall back into that old habit. I'd like to say it will never happen again. But I just "don't know."

First Things First

2008-01-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

So, here's the bottom line. I'm turning 60 in December and I want to celebrate by doing something profoundly life changing. I'm struggling trying to determine what this event will be, but my intuition tells me the journey from deciding what to do and finally doing it is what will cause the profound life change.

Like so many children, I frequently had dreams that I could fly. It was the most amazing feeling. Upon waking, in my child's mind, I believed I could fly and would grab a small blanket, tie it around my neck and run up and down the sidewalk in front of my great-grandmother's house. No amount of logic would have convinced me I wasn't flying. In a child's imagination, I had powers others didn't and could defy gravity. The flying wasn't jet like, but more like floating, swooping, and gliding. I was one of them--one of the butterflies I watched so intently in my great-grandmother's backyard.

On my 60th birthday, somehow, I would like to rediscover the feeling of flight.

An unwritten goal is only a dream. Make your goals a reality by defining them, writing them down, and committing not just to accomplishing the goal, but committing to finding in yourself that thing that will make you stand by your committment even when things get tough.

The Metamorphosis Begins

2008-01-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

For those who know me, this is not new information. I am a private-practice psychotherapist in Austin, Texas. I see individuals for a wide range of issues. I also see couples. I do pre-engagement, pre-marital, marital and post-divorce counseling. My area of specialization is issues of infidelity and affairs. The name of my practice is Mariposa Psychotherapy Services. I've been doing counseling and/or psychotherapy since 1986. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT). This means I can do counseling/psychotherapy with anyone for any issue.

The name of my practice is Mariposa because it is Spanish for butterfly. I picked that name because butterflies symbolize change, transformation, and metamorphosis. My goal in doing counseling and psychotherapy with clients is to help them make their desired changes and transform into the best version of themselves and have the most fulfilling and happy life possible.

I also named the practice Mariposa because I have a fascination with butterflies and have had it since I was child watching them live and work in the hollow of a tree in my great-grandmother's back yard.

And because I have this fascination and my practice is named Mariposa, my office is filled with butterfly pictures, specimens, ornaments, pottery, figurines etc.

About 8 years ago, I had an idea for a book, wrote it and then decided I wanted to turn it into a movie script. The premise was based on my experience as a therapist. Though the goal of a therapist is to help their clients change, the process of trying to achieve this goal changes the therapist. I named the book and script, "The Secret Life of a Butterfly." What happened with the book and script could fill many blog entries. Basically the book and script are just sitting, waiting for me to take yet another step to get them into the right hands to be published or made into a movie.

On the issue of change, today I have three offerings from the Dalai Lama
1. "I believe that satisfaction, joy and happiness are the ultimate purposes of life. And the basic sources of happiness are a good heart, compassion and love."
2. "A compassionate state of mind brings inner peace, and therefore a healthier body."
3. "If you harbour ill will, it has a negative impact on yourself. You may lose your appetite and good sleep."

These are encouraging words as I embark on my 2008 goals. I hope they help you too.

Metamorphosis in 2008

2008-01-06T13:16:00.001-08:00

This time of year all around the world people are deciding on new goals for the coming year. For me this year has a special significance. In December I turn 60 years old. And as I face that fact, I am struggling with the changes I would like to make in my life. My hopes are that the struggle, like the butterfly struggling to escape the coccon, will make me strong enough to wing my way into my senior years.

Hence, the name of the blog.